It can be hard to seem “cultured” living in Wisconsin nine months out of the year. Especially when we have to put up with the constant cheese jokes and the occasional cow tipping question –“Is it hard to push over a sleeping cow?!” Seriously?
Well, if you’re like me and stuck in Wisconsin, I have a few tips to make it seem like you’re more cultured than you really are. No one will know that the farthest east you’ve been in the last five years is most likely Kenosha. Here’s a list of things that any Wisconsinite can do to seem more cultured to the outside world, and by “outside world” I mean people from the coasts.
1. Profile pictures of yourself with multicultural children on your Facebook
This is an obvious one. What is more cultured than experiencing another culture? Especially when it looks like you’re volunteering with orphans in a recently war torn country. People will think, “Oh my gosh, not only does she travel to exotic lands, but she volunteers at the local Haitian orphanage! That is so cultured of her. She must be so experienced with life.” Or something like that. But how do you stage this photo op when you’re just going to Florida to visit your grandparents? It’s really quite easy, I promise! All you need is a few palm trees in the background (remember to avoid anything like a Wal-Mart creeping in the corner of your pic) and some random kids that could pass as foreign, and there you go -your new profile picture.
2. Juices in boxes
Ok, yes, I know that juice cartons are technically juice boxes, but I’m talking about those smaller, no spout boxes. These are like everything else from Europe: more chic, less content, and probably healthier than the stuff we Americans are currently consuming. People will either think you’re on some European health kick or that you’re so ahead of the rest of America, i.e. that you’re cultured.
All of the “cultured” people I know really like fashion. Being really into fashion usually translates into “OMG THIS PERSON IS SO FASHION FORWARD IT IS BLOWING MY MIND. HE/SHE MUST BE UP ON SO MANY WORLDLY THINGS.” Ok, it might not be exactly like that, but you get the point. To look like you’re really into European high fashion, buy a copy of French Vogue or Vogue Italia. Ok, so they’re kind of expensive, but it will be well worth it. You don’t necessarily have to read the magazine (I mean, hello, you’re faking being cultured so you probably can’t understand another language), just look at the pretty fashion pictorials. The pictures will probably be weird and have a lot of naked women, but at least you’ll sound really knowledgeable and worldly, especially if the nakedness doesn’t bother you. Say something that contains a famous photographer, a famous “in” model, and something really weird. For example, “yeah I saw that Mario Testino pictorial in Vogue Italia. It was sheer genius, like, Lara Stone looked so good draped in that faux polar bear fur dress.”
4. Talk about really wanting to go to concert festivals in Europe
Music festivals are chalk full of lesser-known indie bands with weird names like Woodenbox and a Fistful of Fivers and Church of When Shit Hits the Fan (yes, these are real bands). Cultured people, usually dirty hipsters, always seem to be on the cutting edge of the latest music, and they will (subtly) rub it in your face. All you need to do is look up the lineup and maybe youtube a few of the songs and then say something like, “yeah, I heard Yo la Tengo is playing this year at T in the Park. I’m totally obsessed with ‘Last Days of Disco,’ it’s my favorite music to smoke to.” Make sure to say something that will make you sound both douchey and hi-brow.
You know who the Kardashians are, don’t even try denying it. And whether you like it or not, they’re probably going to be here for at least another two years. One of the many reasons why foreigners hate America is because of our obsessive celebrity culture, and the Kardashians are the epitome of it. Cultured people seem to know a lot about the news and world events, but not so much about celebrity gossip -they are above it. It may be hard to ween off of the antics of the Kardashians, but with time and effort, I have faith in you. Not so much for myself, though.