this is a long, updated post of my life

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You know when you’re in that mood where everyone and everything is just pissing you the EFF off? Well, I’m currently in one of those moods. It’s really annoying because I don’t like being in this kind of a mood, but hey, I haven’t really had much to complain about lately, so I guess it was bound to happen.

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the most controversial rose ceremony ever. and i mean ever.

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Ok so I don’t like admitting this, but I do watch some Bachelor/Bachelorette from time to time. I know, I’m quickly losing respect for myself as well. But I just cannot deny my love for the stupidity of this show. It’s an unintentional comedy that I get my monthly secondhand embarrassment from. Everything about this show is so cheesy; the horrendous choice of 80s music, the way in which these people interact with each other, how unnecessary the host guy is. Is his name Chris Hanson? I always want to say that but I know that’s not his name because Chris Hanson is the BAMF from Dateline NBC: To Catch A Predator. Now that, my friends, is a show. But seriously, that guy’s name is like Chris Henderson or Harrison or something with an H and a son.

The beanie makes him *~soulful~*

Anyway, the other night was the season finale of The Bachelor season 89301231, which starred lovable Rafael Nadal semi-lookalike-if-he-had-been-hit-with-the-neanderthal-stick-a-few-times, Ben Flajskdfjdf (his last name is seriously something like that), from the season that brought you gullible Ashley and that hilarious douchecanoe Bentley. Even though I had only seen one episode, I knew who one of the last two ladies standing was because her face has been on numerous tabloids over the past weeks -Courtney, who apparently likes being naked.

WTF is this photo? A romance novel cover?

Courtney was the villan of the show because she was mean to the other girls and did not give an EFF about anyone else but Ben. Plus, she was always flaunting her sexuality, which really p.o.’d most of the other girls off. Well, of course Courtney wins and blah, blah, blah. They legit ride into the sunset on a helicopter and all’s well that ends well. That is until Ben realizes that the woman he “is going to marry” is actually a psychopathic bitch. This is where things get awkward. Apparently Mr. Chris Hanson/Henderson/Harrison/I’m-too-lazy-to-google-it says “THEY DON’T TALK ANYMORE. SO AWKWARD!!!!!” Or something.

In the “After The Final Rose Ceremony” ceremony, Chris is like “oh my gawd this is the most controversial bachelor season ever and let’s bring out your bachelor, BEN!!!!” Then he brings Ben out, and like the wet rag he is, Ben is like “uh Courtney’s behavior concerns me. Blah, blah, blah I make wine.” COOL.  Then Ben goes away backstage and Chris brings out Courtney, who actually looks super cute. Courtney starts tearing up and is like “I THOUGHT BEN WAS THERE FOR ME BUT HE’S NOT. THERE IS TRUST GONE.” Awesome; not like I haven’t heard this in every single after the show ceremony thing ever. Then Ben and Courtney are finally reunited on the couch, and have an awkward conversation about how “trust was lost.” I just love the faces of the women and one gay guy in the audience. It’s like they’re going through the stages of grief. PRICELESS.

Of course, Ben starts crying and Courtney is like trying to cry but it isn’t really happening. Chris is like “uh I serve no purpose on this show whatsoever” and continues to ask them the dumbest questions, such as, “are you still in love?” “Was the love real?” “Courtney, are you really a whore?” (The answer is yes to all of them).

YEAH, I DO WATCH THIS SHOW OCCASIONALLY.

Anyway, what I really want to talk about is how the alums of The Bachelor are, like, totes into Twitter. What I love even more is reading their dumb as hell profile descriptions. Let me show you a few (I DID NOT MAKE THESE UP, THEY ARE REAL):

Yes, it does actually read “Bachelorette Season 7. NASM Certified Personal Trainer. Protein. Boom.” BOOM? Are you F****** kidding me? What year is this, 2001? Also, the picture screams “I’M A DOUCHE, LIKE MY BOD? BOD MAN!” I can’t believe this guy has the balls to put that as his picture. Oh wait, he did have the balls to audition for the Bachelorette in the first place. But “Protein. Boom.” ? Are you kidding me?

There are several statements in this that read like those glitter graphics that you could put on your MySpace or Xanga. You know the ones I’m talking about, like, “OmGz SuMMer 2010 Live, Laugh, LOVE!!!!” Everything about this is tacky. “Blonde at heart!” Okay… “Can say I love you in 8 languages.” That’s like saying “I’m eight and I can count to 10!” NO ONE CARES. She just has to end it with a play on with her name. Over it.

Ok so I feel bad for this guy because I remember that this is the dude whose wife died. But he’s also the dude with the lame profile, “Apprentice Jabbawockee & Beer Pong Enthusiast. Also, I once gave a girl a broken compass -Bachelorette Season 7.” One, putting “apprentice jabbawockee” is just lame. No one watches that dumb show anymore, and if you do watch it, why are you still watching it? The Jabbawockees are a bunch of tiny Asian men who do dance stunts, really nothing I haven’t seen before on campuses across America. Actually, just yesterday I saw a small Asian dude doing the robot -he was really good, too. I hate how West just HAS to freaking mention he was on the Bachelorette and that he gave her a compass when he met her. No one remembers, no one cares, sorry. It doesn’t make you “original” and “outdoorsy.”

Instead, I think the Twitter profiles of Bachelor/Bachelorette contestants should be something along the lines of:

Candy Stevens @CandyStevens

Pilates instructor, Loving daughter, Bachelor Season 30 -the one who got herpes from the jacuzzi 

Jacob Brooks @JacobBrooks

New Yorker. Marketing Exec. Bachelorette Season 29- Hopeless Romantic Pretender. Panty Dropper Extraordinaire. 

Paige Jones @PaigeJones

Generic Marilyn Monroe quote here that screams #HeyImBasic! Bachelor Season 52!

Kirk Andrew @KirkAndrew

Bachelorette Season 67. I manscape and wear tons of Ed Hardy. And I have a first name for a last name.

Alright, that’s a recap!

#KONY2012

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By now, I’m sure you’ve heard of the whole viral campaign #KONY2012, which was started by the guys behind Invisible Children. If you haven’t, then I suggest Googling it (or just click on the link). Now you’d think that the campaign would receive strictly good press because of the cause and the awareness it is spreading about said cause, but unfortunately, that’s not the case. To tell you the truth, I’m not 100 percent behind #KONY2012 myself, mainly due to the guy behind it all, Jason Russell.

This guy is pretty much as annoying as he looks like he would be. Russell, a USC film grad, looks like your typical hipster douche from a wealthy southern California family. I mean, if that picture isn’t enough for you, the man named his child Gavin. Oh come on, Jason, you’re making it too easy for us.

Now, I’m not saying that this campaign is all bad, because by no means is it. It’s good that the awareness is coming out. But the way in which Russell is presenting himself and profiting off Kony and the LRA is pretty tacky. Even though it seems like Invisible Children is non-profit, it is profit, and Russell is pocketing millions off the merchandise he sells, like those “cool” leather bracelets with the words “INVISIBLE CHILDREN” etched into them. In fact, the Today Show reported that only 32 percent -THIRTY TWO PERCENT -goes directly to help kids in Uganda.

Russell also has this messiah complex that is not only so strong that you can see it when he poses like a modern day Jesus in pictures with all those Ugandan children, but it’s downright off putting. Some quotes regarding the recent Kony video and movement: Read the rest of this entry

i feel pretty oh so pretty

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So the Oscars are today, and I’ll probably stream them online or something. But more importantly, we will get to see Oscar dresses! I mean, that’s really the only reason to watch the Oscars, let’s be real. Anyway, here are my predictions of who will be (or rather, should be) wearing what.

This is Elie Saab Couture from the Spring/Summer 12 collection. It’s almost a sickeningly candy pink color, and it’s ultra girly with the flowery frills, but I could see someone like Octavia Spencer totally rocking this dress. It has the perfect boatneck and I think the color would look really stunning against her skin tone. I can guarantee that at least two A/B+ list celebrities will be wearing Elie Saab.

This mint dream is also Elie Saab SS12. Wow. The dress is seriously one of the most gorgeous dresses I’ve ever seen, I mean, LOOK AT IT. Anyway, I could see someone like Anne Hathaway rocking this with her alabaster skin. Or, actually, you know who would look absolutely stunning in this dress? Evan Rachel Wood. Especially with her golden strawberry hair.

This Dress is Marchesa Fall 12. I love how the bottom looks kind of like a cloud. I can see Cate Blanchett working this, or someone who is really skinny and elegant, like Keira Knightly, except I think she’s too young to wear this dress. She needs to wear something more fun, not that this dress isn’t fun, but you know.

This is J. Mendel F12. This dress reminds me of a sexy peacock, is that weird? Yes, it is but you know what? That’s just how I see it. Anyway, I could see Charlize Theron (even though bitch only wears Dior nowadays, WTF) or someone else who is really fashion-y and skinny wearing this. Or Kristen Wiig could potentially pull this off because she’s tall and skinny. Yes, she’s not your typical sexy gal, but maybe tonight she will stun us all.

This Christian Dior Couture Spring/Summer 12 stunner needs to be worn by Rooney Mara. It’s sexy yet scary, in the best way of course. I’m kind of sick of seeing Rooney wear all black, it’s like  “OK WE GET IT ALREADY- YOU WERE LISBETH SALANDER” so I think this would be the best way to change up her look a little bit. It’s still dark and roguish, but it’s a nice plum color and the subtle sparkles around the collar make it something new for Rooney.

So there you have it, my Oscar Dress predictions. Hopefully the dresses this year will be legit.

embarrassing dreamboats, a history

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In honor of Valentine’s Day I have compiled a list of people that I’ve had aching, albeit embarrassing, crushes on.  Yes, I readily admit to crushing on dorks, people you wouldn’t necessarily think of as “attractive,” as well as fictional characters and the like. In fact, the majority of the people I crush on are not your typical “Ashton Kutcher/Zac Efron/Insert popular male actor here” types. I’m not saying that I don’t find Ashton and Zac unattractive, but given the choice, yeah, I might just choose someone else. I have no shame. Well, maybe a little.

But you know what?  Sometimes the best kind of crush is the unsuspecting kind.

Let’s take a journey back… Read the rest of this entry