Ok so I don’t like admitting this, but I do watch some Bachelor/Bachelorette from time to time. I know, I’m quickly losing respect for myself as well. But I just cannot deny my love for the stupidity of this show. It’s an unintentional comedy that I get my monthly secondhand embarrassment from. Everything about this show is so cheesy; the horrendous choice of 80s music, the way in which these people interact with each other, how unnecessary the host guy is. Is his name Chris Hanson? I always want to say that but I know that’s not his name because Chris Hanson is the BAMF from Dateline NBC: To Catch A Predator. Now that, my friends, is a show. But seriously, that guy’s name is like Chris Henderson or Harrison or something with an H and a son.
The beanie makes him *~soulful~*
Anyway, the other night was the season finale of The Bachelor season 89301231, which starred lovable Rafael Nadal semi-lookalike-if-he-had-been-hit-with-the-neanderthal-stick-a-few-times, Ben Flajskdfjdf (his last name is seriously something like that), from the season that brought you gullible Ashley and that hilarious douchecanoe Bentley. Even though I had only seen one episode, I knew who one of the last two ladies standing was because her face has been on numerous tabloids over the past weeks -Courtney, who apparently likes being naked.
WTF is this photo? A romance novel cover?
Courtney was the villan of the show because she was mean to the other girls and did not give an EFF about anyone else but Ben. Plus, she was always flaunting her sexuality, which really p.o.’d most of the other girls off. Well, of course Courtney wins and blah, blah, blah. They legit ride into the sunset on a helicopter and all’s well that ends well. That is until Ben realizes that the woman he “is going to marry” is actually a psychopathic bitch. This is where things get awkward. Apparently Mr. Chris Hanson/Henderson/Harrison/I’m-too-lazy-to-google-it says “THEY DON’T TALK ANYMORE. SO AWKWARD!!!!!” Or something.
In the “After The Final Rose Ceremony” ceremony, Chris is like “oh my gawd this is the most controversial bachelor season ever and let’s bring out your bachelor, BEN!!!!” Then he brings Ben out, and like the wet rag he is, Ben is like “uh Courtney’s behavior concerns me. Blah, blah, blah I make wine.” COOL. Then Ben goes away backstage and Chris brings out Courtney, who actually looks super cute. Courtney starts tearing up and is like “I THOUGHT BEN WAS THERE FOR ME BUT HE’S NOT. THERE IS TRUST GONE.” Awesome; not like I haven’t heard this in every single after the show ceremony thing ever. Then Ben and Courtney are finally reunited on the couch, and have an awkward conversation about how “trust was lost.” I just love the faces of the women and one gay guy in the audience. It’s like they’re going through the stages of grief. PRICELESS.
Of course, Ben starts crying and Courtney is like trying to cry but it isn’t really happening. Chris is like “uh I serve no purpose on this show whatsoever” and continues to ask them the dumbest questions, such as, “are you still in love?” “Was the love real?” “Courtney, are you really a whore?” (The answer is yes to all of them).
YEAH, I DO WATCH THIS SHOW OCCASIONALLY.
Anyway, what I really want to talk about is how the alums of The Bachelor are, like, totes into Twitter. What I love even more is reading their dumb as hell profile descriptions. Let me show you a few (I DID NOT MAKE THESE UP, THEY ARE REAL):
Yes, it does actually read “Bachelorette Season 7. NASM Certified Personal Trainer. Protein. Boom.” BOOM? Are you F****** kidding me? What year is this, 2001? Also, the picture screams “I’M A DOUCHE, LIKE MY BOD? BOD MAN!” I can’t believe this guy has the balls to put that as his picture. Oh wait, he did have the balls to audition for the Bachelorette in the first place. But “Protein. Boom.” ? Are you kidding me?
There are several statements in this that read like those glitter graphics that you could put on your MySpace or Xanga. You know the ones I’m talking about, like, “OmGz SuMMer 2010 Live, Laugh, LOVE!!!!” Everything about this is tacky. “Blonde at heart!” Okay… “Can say I love you in 8 languages.” That’s like saying “I’m eight and I can count to 10!” NO ONE CARES. She just has to end it with a play on with her name. Over it.
Ok so I feel bad for this guy because I remember that this is the dude whose wife died. But he’s also the dude with the lame profile, “Apprentice Jabbawockee & Beer Pong Enthusiast. Also, I once gave a girl a broken compass -Bachelorette Season 7.” One, putting “apprentice jabbawockee” is just lame. No one watches that dumb show anymore, and if you do watch it, why are you still watching it? The Jabbawockees are a bunch of tiny Asian men who do dance stunts, really nothing I haven’t seen before on campuses across America. Actually, just yesterday I saw a small Asian dude doing the robot -he was really good, too. I hate how West just HAS to freaking mention he was on the Bachelorette and that he gave her a compass when he met her. No one remembers, no one cares, sorry. It doesn’t make you “original” and “outdoorsy.”
Instead, I think the Twitter profiles of Bachelor/Bachelorette contestants should be something along the lines of:
Candy Stevens @CandyStevens
Pilates instructor, Loving daughter, Bachelor Season 30 -the one who got herpes from the jacuzzi
Jacob Brooks @JacobBrooks
New Yorker. Marketing Exec. Bachelorette Season 29- Hopeless Romantic Pretender. Panty Dropper Extraordinaire.
Paige Jones @PaigeJones
Generic Marilyn Monroe quote here that screams #HeyImBasic! Bachelor Season 52!
Kirk Andrew @KirkAndrew
Bachelorette Season 67. I manscape and wear tons of Ed Hardy. And I have a first name for a last name.
Alright, that’s a recap!