Have you ever seen that episode of 30 Rock where Liz Lemon gets her new neighbor’s mail? Jon Hamm stars as the hottest, most perfect neighbor of all time, Dr. Drew Baird. Liz decides to snoop through his mail and finds herself becoming infatuated with a man who subscribes to “all the movie channels, including Starz,” and has a membership in the cheese of the month club.
Let’s face it, a lot of the time we judge other people by what they like and what they will pay for. Admit it, you’ve snooped through the magazines lying around your friend’s apartment. It’s okay, I do it too. Perhaps you go to their bookshelf or look to see what Netflix DVDs came in the mail. Again, we all do it.
Well, now I’ve compiled a list of different things that people pay for and what these items probably mean about them.
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I hate Twilight.
I once tried to read the first book in the series, aptly named Twilight, and I literally couldn’t finish it because it was so poorly written. Seriously, the way Stephenie Meyer (yes, she actually spells Stephanie like that; if I was her I would change it) writes is comparable to the kind of fan fiction you find online that is written by some overdramatic teen girl who likes dangly earrings because she thinks they make her look sophisticated.
I’m actually offended that my sister loves the Twilight series. I was even more offended when she compared them to HARRY POTTER. Seriously, I cannot.
Here’s the thing. In HP4 GoF (if you don’t know what I’m talking about, google it), Robert Pattinson played Cedric Diggory -hottie wizard, overachiever, Hufflepuff’s greatest and only accomplishment. I remember watching GoF and fanning myself because he was so good looking. Let’s revisit:
Oh dear goodness.
When I heard he was going to be cast as Edward Cullen, the hottest vampire ever, I was excited regardless that it was a dumb book because I thought RPattz was hot enough to overlook that detail. Ha. Oh how wrong I was.
Seriously? This is the best you can do? He is pale and weird and sparkly and just all-around not cute. Damn.
But thankfully Water for Elephants decided to come out and we were given this:
Much better. He now has a better haircut, is tan, and most of all, he’s not a sparkly, possessive vampire.
Well I am at the library once again. I mean, that’s what I do now, you know, because I’m taking 18 credits -yeah, don’t ask. I kind of got scolded by a bald guy who was just walking around and looks at my desk area and goes “um, you aren’t supposed to have food in here.” I had a mini spicy cheese bread. Thankfully I wasn’t stuffing my face with it at the time, but nonetheless I was like “oh… SORRY!” But he was really cool about it and was like, “I see people with food in here all the time. Just don’t make a mess!” And I was like, “OK thanks cool bald guy!” -Except I didn’t really say the last part but you get the gist. Anyway, I was on Amazon like any good procrastinator, and I happened upon one of my reviews that I wrote.
It was a book review of this autobiography that I read. It was the Marilyn Manson one. For those of you who have not had the pleasure of knowing who Marilyn Manson is, let me tell you. He’s this weirdo shock rocker who is creepy as hell looking and his songs are about stuff like death and sex and drugs. So, I read his book because I like to read an interesting (or what I think will be interesting) autobiography here and there, and I was so disappointed. It’s him whining the entire time. And there are creepy as hell photos of him being, well, creepy as hell (I had to cover the book cover with a photograph of Lindsay Lohan). Anyway, I decide to warn other people about the book by writing a review on Amazon. Much to my surprise, this stupid book has about a five star rating. Like any good annoyed person, I write a review pretty much trashing the entire book, and then I get these annoying responses, and me being the type of person who always has to have the last word, I write back. Here are some screen shots:
You might have never heard of the term “manic pixie dream girl,” but she’s a popular stock character in many of your favorite movies. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, The 500 Days of Summer, Almost Famous, and Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Nathan Rabin, a graduate of UW-Madison who now works for The A.V. Club, coined the term a few years back when he reviewed Cameron Crowe’s Elizabethtown*. Rabin described the lead female character, played by Kirsten Dunst, as “that bubbly, shallow cinematic creature that exists solely in the fevered imaginations of sensitive writer-directors to teach broodingly soulful young men to embrace life and its infinite mysteries and adventures.”
This pretty much means that she’s one of those characters that can be described with the following adjectives:
- HAPPY-GO-LUCKY (YET SUICIDAL)!
- (UNIQUELY) BEAUTIFUL (BUT NEVER HOT)!
- FLIRTY (AND SEXUAL BUT NOT REALLY SLUTTY UNTIL MONOGAMY)!
They’re pretty much exactly like Kim Kardashian without being like Kim Kardashian at all. They are the female character that the male characters love because of their quirky sense of style and, like, willingness to just live life, you know? A better example is Zooey Deschanel and EVERY SINGLE character she plays.
So what about the Manic Pixie Dream Boys for us girls? Well, my dear readers, you’re in luck! I have compiled a list, as well as attributes, of the MPDB.
I Am Related… To Jesus
Mother Monster MILF
Born 2 B Bi
Leather Latex Lady Liberty
I Am In Love With The Following LGBT People: Alexander McQueen, Ellen DeGeneres, The Dad From The Brady Bunch, Alexander The Great, and Suze Orman
The King Has Come (I’m Referring To Myself)
Hatred (I Am Hated)
2nd Coming Of Our Lord The Savior (Still Referring To Myself)
S.P.E.C.I.E.S. (Super Powerful Emaciated Crowns Inside Evil Surrogates)
King And Queen And The Rest Of The M*****F****** Court (If You Don’t Understand That I Am Still Referring To Myself Then You’re Dumb)
LOL WHITE PEOPLE PT. I
LOL WHITE PEOPLE PT. II (feat. Rihanna, Jay-Z, Nicki Minaj, and special guests Eminem and Bon Iver)
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