Tag Archives: sarcasm

gummy bears ain’t for adolescents anymore… well, actually they still are, but now they’re DANGEROUS


In a recent Huff Post article of groundbreaking investigative journalism, the perils of gummy bears soaked in alcohol were finally revealed to horrified parents everywhere. Yes, believe it or not, teens are currently stuffing their mouths with gummy bears drenched in vodka, an “edgy” new take on what was always an innocent and childlike snack.

The article, which calls teen drinking one of “the scariest things” a parent will have to worry about, describes the harrowing trend in lurid details:

And what’s more frightening, is how clever they’ve become about hiding the act from parents. Once upon a time, teens stole alcohol from their parents, so keeping a close watch on your own liquor cabinet was a fine way to curb the problem. But today, their creativity puts the old trick of refilling bottles with Sprite to shame. And the latest trend in undercover drinking is especially savvy – especially around Halloween time.

Teens are using gummy candy (bears and worms to be exact) to get drunk. They soak the candy in alcohol, Keloland.com reports.

HOLY F***! I thought we only had to worry about girls dipping their tampons in vodka and stuffing them up their vaginas in a way to get crunk fast and without the excess calories, but no, now we must also worry about the gummy bear, which has the ability to reach both sexes.

Who knew those little suckers could pack such a huge punch? Well, I for one am surprised and disgusted -and I mean disgusted both literally and figuratively. As in, yeah, that’s a disgusting trend and yeah, vodka and sugary gummy bears are disgusting enough to make me barf within eating five bears.

Let me tell you, as someone who may or may not have legally tried the gummy bear soaked in vodka, this trend is something to seriously worry about. Why? Well, one, because teens LOVE candy and alcohol -perfect combination. Two, they are so tiny that you won’t know what hit you until you end up in the ICU with broken bones and a stomach pump. And finally, three, because, well, who doesn’t want to just sit around and eats hundreds upon hundreds of delightfully colored bears to get a buzz instead of having to sneak a shot glass and pour yourself a few? The answer is obvious -TEENS WILL TAKE THE GUMMY BEAR WAY. Taking shots is just too much effort, too time consuming, and it tastes bad. Duh. Gummy bears are delicious, fun, and you won’t taste the alcohol at all! I mean, yeah, you’ll have to literally consume hundreds to get a buzz, but hey, it’s the easier way, trust me.

Oh and parents -watch out for these babies…

(and you thought the lil’ guys were scary…)