GOP

As the Florida Primary is about to begin, I realize now how sick I am of Newt Gingrich. I mean, I’ve never really liked the guy but seriously, the stuff he says is actually mental institution admittance criteria. I really like watching the GOP debates because it’s just hilarious and awkward to see them fight one another. It’s also very predictable. That’s why I have established a drinking game —

WARNING: use with extreme caution, you could end up drinking yourself to death

Take a sip every time…

1. The audience boos/cheers about something that normal people would not boo or cheer for.
2. Mitt Romney’s taxes are mentioned.
3. Newt Gingrich attacks the moderator.
4. There is a reference to three different candidates winning three different states.
5. Gingrich makes a reference to Ronald Reagan/him being a Ronald Reagan conservative.
6. Good ol’ Uncle Paul has a confused look of bewilderment on his face -not to be confused with his confused look of not understanding a joke was being made.
7. Rick Santorum makes a reference to him winning in a predominantly working class Pennsylvania democratic constituency.
8. Romney mentions that he worked at Bain Capital.
9. Santorum has the look of utter disgust and confusion on his face.
10. Space colonies are mentioned.

Anyway, the other day I watched the GOP Florida debate, and pretty much all I gleaned from that was that…

1. Ron Paul, bless his soul, is probably going to die soon so we shouldn’t elect him.
2. Rick Santorum should just quit now and save himself money and the inevitable embarrassment of just existing past Florida.
3. Mitt Romney needs to watch his own ads.
4. Wolf Blitzer is a BAMF. (Especially compared to John King).
5. Newsflash, Newt is still a d-bag and his wife is still creepy as hell.

What I really found interesting was that one of the questions asked was “why would your wife be the best first lady?” Okay, am I the only one who thinks that question is just awkward and kind of insulting? It’s like, really? Do we need to know that your Mars Attacks wife plays the French Horn? Should I care? NO. Many people play the French Horn. My own mother plays the French Horn (for serious). How does playing the French Horn make her stand out? How does it even portray her as a person? Are we supposed to like her just because she can play an instrument? Ugh.

I also watched MissRepresentation yesterday and found out that our country SUCKS when it comes to equal representation of men and women in the political process. GAH. I think we’re ranked 90th in the world in accordance to the amount of women in higher political office, which means that we’re behind obvious places like Sweden, and quite surprising places like Cuba. CUBA, PEOPLE. Yeah.

I think it is so unfortunate that women in politics, regardless of the candidate’s wife or the actual candidate, are judged on their outer appearance. And what is even more unfortunate is that women are lumped in two categories, they are either hot, MILFy, and stupid (Sarah Palin) or smart, shrewish, and asexual (Hillary Clinton). This even occurs in the news media with anchors, like those blondes on Fox compared to someone like Rachel Maddow (even though I think she’s prettier than them, and I have proof because I met her in real life when she was just walking down the street and she was dressed casually with no makeup and she was seriously just gorgeous).

It just seriously bothers me.

 

the pilgrims came to america… to find the grand canyon… and Michele Bachmann

My roommate and I just took the U.S. citizenship test… AND WE PASSED, FOOLS! One of the questions seriously asked why the pilgrims came to America, and among the answers was this gem: “to find the Grand Canyon.” HELL YES! YEAH THAT’S TOTALLY WHY! …I mean, well, no they didn’t, but you know what, I could potentially see people tripping up on this one. Mainly because the Grand Canyon is kind of a big effing deal. 

So the CNN Tea Party/Republican debate was tonight, with all of our favorite crazies like Michele Bachmann, Rick Santorum, and Newt Gingrich!  Other guests included Ron Paul (bless his smarmy soul), Rick Perry, Jon Huntsman, Herman Cain, and Mitt Romney.

Just when we all thought Michele Bachmann and her craziness might go away (actually no one believed that but just go with me on this), she BRINGS IT BACK -consistency 2012! One of my favorite moments from tonight was when Bachmann tore into Texas Governor Rick Perry and his 2007 executive order mandating that girls in his state be vaccinated against HPV. Here’s what Bachmann said:

justin bieber has never looked like a lesbian

Remember that one time when it was COOL and HILARIOUS to compare Justin Bieber to lesbians because he TOTALLY has the same haircut?!  Oh wait, people still do that?  Right. Anyway, I feel like in the wake of this non-stop campaign against bullying I should address an issue right under our noses, something that may not seem like bullying, but actually is. In fact, I feel like it’s my duty to defend poor little Justin Bieber and to shame everyone who thinks that this grade A piece of tween hotness looks like a lesbian.

Evidence:

Vintage Justin circa mid-2000s. Does this look like a lesbian to you? UM NO. I mean seriously, the pout, the inverted peace sign, and the backwards hat all say one thing to me: Major Bro, or rather, MBIT -Major Bro In Training. Not to mention that we can clearly see excess baby chub around his facial region. How is that lesbian-like? I thought all lesbians looked like Jillian Michaels!!

Tiger Beat Biebs circa late-2000s. “MOM I DO NOT WANT TO WEAR THAT SWEATER YOU BOUGHT ME FROM PACSUN.” Um, well, see… What we have here is the Biebs in a high school-esque photo shoot channeling a mixture of a Glee cast reject/background character and pre-famous Ryan Seacrest. How is that lesbian?! Wait, don’t answer that.

Someday4evaURgrrrLhawtieshawtie77myspaceBIEBERRLUVRR circa 2011. See? I told you he doesn’t look like a lesbian. For example, the hair, could a lesbian pull off that shaggy-yet-subtly-sexy hairstyle like JBiebs? I don’t think so. Ok, so he does have, like, super defined cheekbones that make me super jealous, but other than that he is ALL MAN. Well, besides the fact that his lips are more pillowy than creepy tween behind him. And that he made a perfume with a flower on top.

Justin Bieber circa a week ago. I CAN EXPLAIN. UM. UHHH. MOTHER OF F BIEBER, WHY MUST YOU MAKE IT SO HARD FOR ME?! WHY, BIEBS, WHY?! WHY MUST YOU LOOK LIKE THE SPITTING IMAGE OF WHAT I IMAGINE A THIRD-WAVE, BRANDEIS UNIVERSITY GENDER AND WOMEN’S STUDIES MAJOR WITH A MINOR IN ART HISTORY, CANDLE WAX MAKING FEMINIST LESBIAN LOOKS LIKE?!

FUTURE BIEBS AT THE GRAMMYS CIRCA 2044

OH COME ON.