gif me a break

Yes, it’s another edition of GIF ME A BREAK.

the most controversial rose ceremony ever. and i mean ever.

Ok so I don’t like admitting this, but I do watch some Bachelor/Bachelorette from time to time. I know, I’m quickly losing respect for myself as well. But I just cannot deny my love for the stupidity of this show. It’s an unintentional comedy that I get my monthly secondhand embarrassment from. Everything about this show is so cheesy; the horrendous choice of 80s music, the way in which these people interact with each other, how unnecessary the host guy is. Is his name Chris Hanson? I always want to say that but I know that’s not his name because Chris Hanson is the BAMF from Dateline NBC: To Catch A Predator. Now that, my friends, is a show. But seriously, that guy’s name is like Chris Henderson or Harrison or something with an H and a son.

The beanie makes him *~soulful~*

Anyway, the other night was the season finale of The Bachelor season 89301231, which starred lovable Rafael Nadal semi-lookalike-if-he-had-been-hit-with-the-neanderthal-stick-a-few-times, Ben Flajskdfjdf (his last name is seriously something like that), from the season that brought you gullible Ashley and that hilarious douchecanoe Bentley. Even though I had only seen one episode, I knew who one of the last two ladies standing was because her face has been on numerous tabloids over the past weeks -Courtney, who apparently likes being naked.

WTF is this photo? A romance novel cover?

Courtney was the villan of the show because she was mean to the other girls and did not give an EFF about anyone else but Ben. Plus, she was always flaunting her sexuality, which really p.o.’d most of the other girls off. Well, of course Courtney wins and blah, blah, blah. They legit ride into the sunset on a helicopter and all’s well that ends well. That is until Ben realizes that the woman he “is going to marry” is actually a psychopathic bitch. This is where things get awkward. Apparently Mr. Chris Hanson/Henderson/Harrison/I’m-too-lazy-to-google-it says “THEY DON’T TALK ANYMORE. SO AWKWARD!!!!!” Or something.

In the “After The Final Rose Ceremony” ceremony, Chris is like “oh my gawd this is the most controversial bachelor season ever and let’s bring out your bachelor, BEN!!!!” Then he brings Ben out, and like the wet rag he is, Ben is like “uh Courtney’s behavior concerns me. Blah, blah, blah I make wine.” COOL.  Then Ben goes away backstage and Chris brings out Courtney, who actually looks super cute. Courtney starts tearing up and is like “I THOUGHT BEN WAS THERE FOR ME BUT HE’S NOT. THERE IS TRUST GONE.” Awesome; not like I haven’t heard this in every single after the show ceremony thing ever. Then Ben and Courtney are finally reunited on the couch, and have an awkward conversation about how “trust was lost.” I just love the faces of the women and one gay guy in the audience. It’s like they’re going through the stages of grief. PRICELESS.

Of course, Ben starts crying and Courtney is like trying to cry but it isn’t really happening. Chris is like “uh I serve no purpose on this show whatsoever” and continues to ask them the dumbest questions, such as, “are you still in love?” “Was the love real?” “Courtney, are you really a whore?” (The answer is yes to all of them).

YEAH, I DO WATCH THIS SHOW OCCASIONALLY.

Anyway, what I really want to talk about is how the alums of The Bachelor are, like, totes into Twitter. What I love even more is reading their dumb as hell profile descriptions. Let me show you a few (I DID NOT MAKE THESE UP, THEY ARE REAL):

Yes, it does actually read “Bachelorette Season 7. NASM Certified Personal Trainer. Protein. Boom.” BOOM? Are you F****** kidding me? What year is this, 2001? Also, the picture screams “I’M A DOUCHE, LIKE MY BOD? BOD MAN!” I can’t believe this guy has the balls to put that as his picture. Oh wait, he did have the balls to audition for the Bachelorette in the first place. But “Protein. Boom.” ? Are you kidding me?

There are several statements in this that read like those glitter graphics that you could put on your MySpace or Xanga. You know the ones I’m talking about, like, “OmGz SuMMer 2010 Live, Laugh, LOVE!!!!” Everything about this is tacky. “Blonde at heart!” Okay… “Can say I love you in 8 languages.” That’s like saying “I’m eight and I can count to 10!” NO ONE CARES. She just has to end it with a play on with her name. Over it.

Ok so I feel bad for this guy because I remember that this is the dude whose wife died. But he’s also the dude with the lame profile, “Apprentice Jabbawockee & Beer Pong Enthusiast. Also, I once gave a girl a broken compass -Bachelorette Season 7.” One, putting “apprentice jabbawockee” is just lame. No one watches that dumb show anymore, and if you do watch it, why are you still watching it? The Jabbawockees are a bunch of tiny Asian men who do dance stunts, really nothing I haven’t seen before on campuses across America. Actually, just yesterday I saw a small Asian dude doing the robot -he was really good, too. I hate how West just HAS to freaking mention he was on the Bachelorette and that he gave her a compass when he met her. No one remembers, no one cares, sorry. It doesn’t make you “original” and “outdoorsy.”

Instead, I think the Twitter profiles of Bachelor/Bachelorette contestants should be something along the lines of:

Candy Stevens @CandyStevens

Pilates instructor, Loving daughter, Bachelor Season 30 -the one who got herpes from the jacuzzi 

Jacob Brooks @JacobBrooks

New Yorker. Marketing Exec. Bachelorette Season 29- Hopeless Romantic Pretender. Panty Dropper Extraordinaire. 

Paige Jones @PaigeJones

Generic Marilyn Monroe quote here that screams #HeyImBasic! Bachelor Season 52!

Kirk Andrew @KirkAndrew

Bachelorette Season 67. I manscape and wear tons of Ed Hardy. And I have a first name for a last name.

Alright, that’s a recap!

embarrassing dreamboats, a history

In honor of Valentine’s Day I have compiled a list of people that I’ve had aching, albeit embarrassing, crushes on.  Yes, I readily admit to crushing on dorks, people you wouldn’t necessarily think of as “attractive,” as well as fictional characters and the like. In fact, the majority of the people I crush on are not your typical “Ashton Kutcher/Zac Efron/Insert popular male actor here” types. I’m not saying that I don’t find Ashton and Zac unattractive, but given the choice, yeah, I might just choose someone else. I have no shame. Well, maybe a little.

But you know what?  Sometimes the best kind of crush is the unsuspecting kind.

Let’s take a journey back…

I wish I had Channing Tatum’s voice

“YOU KNOW, I’VE BEEN FEELUN’ THIS WAY FOR A LUNG TIYME”

“I’M FEELUN’ SUMTHIN’ SO REEEAL RIGHT NAO”

“BABY GURL, YOU KNOW I’M FEELUN’ YOU”

“YE, YOU KNOW HOW I DOOO”

Channing Tatum. Yes, it’s another post involving everyone’s favorite quasi-ghetto white boy from Tampa. He has a really weird way of talking that makes me want to learn how to talk like him as well as it makes me want to have him narrate everything. I don’t even know how to explain how he talks, but it’s some kind of romantic ghetto white boy mixed with southern gentleman. IDK.

To sound like him, you kind of have to talk like you have a medium size jawbreaker in your mouth and have had a few sips of the wine sitting in that box in your fridge. Then just talk about stuff like love and sports and being with one girl for the rest of your life.

GOP

As the Florida Primary is about to begin, I realize now how sick I am of Newt Gingrich. I mean, I’ve never really liked the guy but seriously, the stuff he says is actually mental institution admittance criteria. I really like watching the GOP debates because it’s just hilarious and awkward to see them fight one another. It’s also very predictable. That’s why I have established a drinking game —

WARNING: use with extreme caution, you could end up drinking yourself to death

Take a sip every time…

1. The audience boos/cheers about something that normal people would not boo or cheer for.
2. Mitt Romney’s taxes are mentioned.
3. Newt Gingrich attacks the moderator.
4. There is a reference to three different candidates winning three different states.
5. Gingrich makes a reference to Ronald Reagan/him being a Ronald Reagan conservative.
6. Good ol’ Uncle Paul has a confused look of bewilderment on his face -not to be confused with his confused look of not understanding a joke was being made.
7. Rick Santorum makes a reference to him winning in a predominantly working class Pennsylvania democratic constituency.
8. Romney mentions that he worked at Bain Capital.
9. Santorum has the look of utter disgust and confusion on his face.
10. Space colonies are mentioned.

Anyway, the other day I watched the GOP Florida debate, and pretty much all I gleaned from that was that…

1. Ron Paul, bless his soul, is probably going to die soon so we shouldn’t elect him.
2. Rick Santorum should just quit now and save himself money and the inevitable embarrassment of just existing past Florida.
3. Mitt Romney needs to watch his own ads.
4. Wolf Blitzer is a BAMF. (Especially compared to John King).
5. Newsflash, Newt is still a d-bag and his wife is still creepy as hell.

What I really found interesting was that one of the questions asked was “why would your wife be the best first lady?” Okay, am I the only one who thinks that question is just awkward and kind of insulting? It’s like, really? Do we need to know that your Mars Attacks wife plays the French Horn? Should I care? NO. Many people play the French Horn. My own mother plays the French Horn (for serious). How does playing the French Horn make her stand out? How does it even portray her as a person? Are we supposed to like her just because she can play an instrument? Ugh.

I also watched MissRepresentation yesterday and found out that our country SUCKS when it comes to equal representation of men and women in the political process. GAH. I think we’re ranked 90th in the world in accordance to the amount of women in higher political office, which means that we’re behind obvious places like Sweden, and quite surprising places like Cuba. CUBA, PEOPLE. Yeah.

I think it is so unfortunate that women in politics, regardless of the candidate’s wife or the actual candidate, are judged on their outer appearance. And what is even more unfortunate is that women are lumped in two categories, they are either hot, MILFy, and stupid (Sarah Palin) or smart, shrewish, and asexual (Hillary Clinton). This even occurs in the news media with anchors, like those blondes on Fox compared to someone like Rachel Maddow (even though I think she’s prettier than them, and I have proof because I met her in real life when she was just walking down the street and she was dressed casually with no makeup and she was seriously just gorgeous).

It just seriously bothers me.

 

names

I like names. I like thinking about names in the context of my future children (if I decide to have children) or future pets (oh, I’ll have pets). I like names a lot actually, like, for some reason, I play “TOP 100 BABY NAMES OF THE NINETIES” on sporcle all the time. IDK! (I play that and Big 4 sports all the time… and somehow never win)

Anyway, here are some names I really like…

kim’s old face

Well I just spent the last three hours playing “surviving high school” on my phone. Yes, I did just admit to that. Ugh. Anyway, I’m back at home after suffering a devastating loss in Pasadena… Oh Badgers, two years in a row? Ouch.

Anyway, like any sane person, I like to read magazines on the plane ride home. This time I picked up a Glamour (I have yet to read it -oops) and an In Style or Star -I can never remember which tabloid is which. On the cover of this week’s In Style/Star Kim Kardashian and her old face (RIP) seem to take up the most space. It is actually insane how much she has changed her looks. I mean, you can obviously tell it’s still good ol’ Kim, but just like a 2.0 version or something updated. Oh, and I love how she’s like “UM I’VE ONLY HAD BOTOX… LIKE ONCE” -Riiiiiight… Seriously, just check out this picture comparison of her from 2006 and 2009:

Sad. She looks like a plasticized doll of herself. Here are some more pictures of Kim and her old face…

Don’t believe me that she has had work done? Ok then, here:

+ HERE

 

RIP OLD FACE KIM

we will miss you

and by “miss you” i mean “just die already, sry gurl”

what your mail says about you

Have you ever seen that episode of 30 Rock where Liz Lemon gets her new neighbor’s mail? Jon Hamm stars as the hottest, most perfect neighbor of all time, Dr. Drew Baird. Liz decides to snoop through his mail and finds herself becoming infatuated with a man who subscribes to “all the movie channels, including Starz,” and has a membership in the cheese of the month club.

Let’s face it, a lot of the time we judge other people by what they like and what they will pay for. Admit it, you’ve snooped through the magazines lying around your friend’s apartment. It’s okay, I do it too. Perhaps you go to their bookshelf or look to see what Netflix DVDs came in the mail. Again, we all do it.

Well, now I’ve compiled a list of different things that people pay for and what these items probably mean about them.

i hate twilight

I hate Twilight.

I once tried to read the first book in the series, aptly named Twilight, and I literally couldn’t finish it because it was so poorly written. Seriously, the way Stephenie Meyer (yes, she actually spells Stephanie like that; if I was her I would change it) writes is comparable to the kind of fan fiction you find online that is written by some overdramatic teen girl who likes dangly earrings because she thinks they make her look sophisticated.

I’m actually offended that my sister loves the Twilight series. I was even more offended when she compared them to HARRY POTTER. Seriously, I cannot.

Here’s the thing. In HP4 GoF (if you don’t know what I’m talking about, google it), Robert Pattinson played Cedric Diggory -hottie wizard, overachiever, Hufflepuff’s greatest and only accomplishment. I remember watching GoF and fanning myself because he was so good looking. Let’s revisit:

Oh dear goodness.

When I heard he was going to be cast as Edward Cullen, the hottest vampire ever, I was excited regardless that it was a dumb book because I thought RPattz was hot enough to overlook that detail. Ha. Oh how wrong I was.

Seriously? This is the best you can do? He is pale and weird and sparkly and just all-around not cute. Damn.

But thankfully Water for Elephants decided to come out and we were given this:

Much better. He now has a better haircut, is tan, and most of all, he’s not a sparkly, possessive vampire.

i’m at the library -again

Well I am at the library once again. I mean, that’s what I do now, you know, because I’m taking 18 credits -yeah, don’t ask. I kind of got scolded by a bald guy who was just walking around and looks at my desk area and goes “um, you aren’t supposed to have food in here.” I had a mini spicy cheese bread. Thankfully I wasn’t stuffing my face with it at the time, but nonetheless I was like “oh… SORRY!” But he was really cool about it and was like, “I see people with food in here all the time. Just don’t make a mess!” And I was like, “OK thanks cool bald guy!” -Except I didn’t really say the last part but you get the gist. Anyway, I was on Amazon like any good procrastinator, and I happened upon one of my reviews that I wrote.

It was a book review of this autobiography that I read. It was the Marilyn Manson one. For those of you who have not had the pleasure of knowing who Marilyn Manson is, let me tell you. He’s this weirdo shock rocker who is creepy as hell looking and his songs are about stuff like death and sex and drugs. So, I read his book because I like to read an interesting (or what I think will be interesting) autobiography here and there, and I was so disappointed. It’s him whining the entire time. And there are creepy as hell photos of him being, well, creepy as hell (I had to cover the book cover with a photograph of Lindsay Lohan). Anyway, I decide to warn other people about the book by writing a review on Amazon. Much to my surprise, this stupid book has about a five star rating. Like any good annoyed person, I write a review pretty much trashing the entire book, and then I get these annoying responses, and me being the type of person who always has to have the last word, I write back. Here are some screen shots: